God Bless Hollywood! If some remarkably talented entrepreneurs of yesteryears haven’t decided to use Hollywood as the base for all their movie making dreams, we wouldn’t have had a very uncreatively named Bollywood. Anyways the name has stuck and we carry the legacy forward of naming many of our movies with the same uncreative excellence (cases in point will be Shakalaka Boom Boom, Tara Rum Pum, Good Boy Bad Boy, and many more).

The name Bollywood, through years, have come to showcase that we are more than a B-Grade ripoff of Hollywood; but also true to our name we have got some B-Grade Wood in this jungle. The acting talents of some of our leading lads are so awesomely wooden, that it reminds me of what Terminator would have been if he was frozen for a thousand year and then made into wooden sculpture when humanity is reborn. I try my best to figure out some of the most valuable piece of furniture that we have in this very wooden exhibition.

 Exhibit A – Bobby Deol 

Bobby Deol is one actor who almost always have gotten it wrong. If he had played a soldier in any movie other than the one titled Soldier (Abbas Mastan dread alert), his part would have been passé at least. But this particular soldier had to crack jokes and flirt and dance and romance, and; oh, this one is huge, he had to act drunk. Now acting drunk is not that big a deal; any Hindi movie Hero worth the generations before him can do a drunk scene in their sober sleep. But Bobby Deol was notches above being drunk. He acted so drunk that the effect transcended on me and I started feeling a little dizzy. Leaving all that, I seriously believe that Bobby Deol nailed his acting skills (on its head) in his portrayal of Bhagat Singh. In one very emotional scene, I believe I could see his fake moustache shake a little. Now before you start accusing me of blasphemy, this is just my opinion, you can go through the torture of checking it yourself if you don’t believe me; talk about a catch-22 situation.

Exhibit B  - Upen Patel

This guy is not really bad when hes being interviewed, and that was when I first saw him talking and moving and ‘emoting’. Guess this guy needs some really chilled down atmosphere to bring out his histrionics skill. There are a few things that Bollywood heroes need to survive. First is a good physique. Second, will be good dancing skills. Third is something we are ready to give time for improvement if found lacking; that’s acting skills. Upen Patel has a good body (ok ladies, stop ooh aah-ing). Before I even get into his acting skill, I want to stop by his dancing skills. Now this guy would be beaten in a dance competition by a two legged drunk hippopotamus in knee-deep water. Maybe Upen Patel has too much wood, oops muscles, in his body (girls, once more, please stop that). The guy worked out a lot and hence lost the capability to completely bring down his hands to his body; which is oh-so-essential when it comes to dance in Bollywood.

This Patel boy has a dimple, no no its not the cute John Abraham-ish dimple. This one is a chin dimple. If you have the bad luck to catch Upen Patel in a DVD or something to that extent, make sure you zoom in on his face during a scene which requires acting skills. Below is a little guide to deciphering the acting skills of Upen Patel:

Scenario 1 – Chin Dimple is the size of a mini-disc

Emotions portayed – Extreme anger, sadness, astonishment, happiness, loneliness.

Scenario 2 – Chin dimple is the size of a 2Rs (Indian) coin

Emotions portrayed – Loneliness, sadness, astonishment, extreme anger, happiness.

Scenario 3 – Chin dimple is the size of a cellphone numeric key

Emotions portrayed – Happiness, loneliness, astonishment, sadness, extreme anger

Scenario 4 – Chin dimple is the size of; where the hell is the chin dimple

Emotions portrayed – Sadness, extreme anger, astonishment, loneliness, happiness

Now now, I can go on and on about the furnitures exhibited in Bollywood; but it requires a lot more time and space. But in pure Bollywood style I declare, the forthcoming attractions hold a lot of promise with:

-          The lead protagonist of a movie shot entirely in slow motion (yes, it was a Really Grave Vision)

-          An actor who could make us laugh when we were supposed to be scared and made us flee theaters with his emotions.

-          The offspring of a jumping jack who rarely jumped himself.

-          And a mixed bag of other artistes who almost made the list, but then again redeemed themselves.

All this and more, in days to come.

People who have come here looking for information on how to get condoms round the clock, the answer is Sagar Apollo 24 Hour clinic in Indiranagar. The one opposite Jyoti Nivas college, though it still has a board which says 24 hours, its more like 14 hours. Someone told me they had installed a condom vending machine and it got vandalled. Thats the end of post for condom seekers; the rest of the pleasure seekers (corny) please continue reading.

Before I set out describing the attributes of Bangalore’s hottest selling condom, let me protect my blog first, it needs this condom; and badly.

There, that should keep it safe for my blog. I think it also would have answered the hottest selling condoms part.

The biggest buyers for this condom seems to be Garuda Mall. They have a hundred of these stuck or hung on the huge glass panes of the mall lest some Dick tries to send one through (stone).

I mean, seriously, what does this flag actually signify? You stick it outside your building, which might even be Bangalore’s largest showroom for lingerie and its like an unwritten treaty which says ‘have flag wont flog’.

Before writing this post, I had serious notions if I am upsetting people’s sentiments by writing something like this. If you do have a bruise or two thanks to this post, I ask you to look around Bangalore city. Come Kannada Rajyotsava, come Diwali, come Rajkumar’s birthday these flags sells like hot cakes; or condoms. To ensure that the money they have invested on their building is safe from the fiery red and orange anger of anything non Kannada.

The way this flag is being used in Bangalore is more or morer like a soldier trying to hide under his coutry’s flag fearing a wave of rounds fired at him.

It can be seen everywhere in Bangalore. From outside the IT glasshouses that dot the Bangalore landscape to the posh clubs like Fuga. It is the insurance policy that gives the best for your money, and which also seems to work like a charm. I can almost picture big shots deciding on opening malls discussing how to display the flag outside their building. Should it be hundreds of small ones which will be visible from all around, or should it be one big tribute in the form of a flag post and the flag, which shouts ‘we have a place for you, and you let us be in peace’.

I have a very realistic fear that if at all the Americans decide that, well we have enough of money put into Bangalore, lets buy the whole place, they would come dressed in Orange and Red. And well, comeon, they cant harm us. See they are wearing the outlandish combination of Orange and Red. That means they support us, even though they look like the offspring Mars had with Jupiter during one of their Jamaica nights of passion.

I dont know if many people read my blog, but I do know that not many people read my blog. If at all you happen to come across this blog and feel that I have insulted you in more ways than one, accept this apology. If that doesn’t work and you are still pissed, heres the rubber; again, just to ‘rub’ it in.

Thats not the end of the story. It is an American Rain God who supports outsourcing. It is a dense American Rain God who supports outsourcing who believes that some Indian or the other will be here waiting for his orders round the clock. What else explains the impeccable timing of the Bangalore rains which starts as soon as our daily work is supposed to end?

Wake up in the morning, take a deep breath, look outside, not a bad kinda place at all. Its not sunny, its not hot, neither is it too cold. Throughout the day we sit in our cubicle forest which has temperature regulated so that the brownies breed (read work) fast. Through the blinds the outside world is just a rumble of motors on the crowded Bangalore streets. You rush through your daily work, email forwards, occasional chats, frequent smoke trips to close in on the much waited 6:00 or 6:30PM only to hear the slow crackle of rain drops hitting hard against the thick glass walls of your office.

The crackle is the worst part; if you can hear the crackle means its just a notch below a possible hail outside. Your 9 to 6 work schedule just became extended by atleast an hour.

Wanna fight this American Rain God who makes you work additional hours everyday? The intention is really a vain one. Like any other Capitalist American worth his daily burger, this Rain God has some big hold on the Bangalore Mahanagara Palike. The BMP has conducted extensive research in collaboration with NASA to invent the world’s most successful anti-drainage drainage system. It works in the reverse of Einstein’s theory of relativity. The technology behind this drainage system is so advanced, last week, my neighbour’s 2 year old baby took a leak on the road side and the whole Koramangala 6th block was flooded. Thanks to the overall color of Bangalore drainage water, no one really knew the difference. Half an hour of rain in this town means traffic snarls all around the city (I rephrase; worse traffic snarls than we are subjected to daily).

So you see, this rain God is a very powerful one, and we might as well buy a couple of boats, three life jackets and write to our HR asking that beach wear be allowed for guys and made mandatory for females during this dreaded season. I know the last part doesn’t have anything to do with all the rain, but lets make hay when the sunshines and ogle around a bit when the sun does not shine.

House of Comfort which sells wooden coats and matel coats. This is what Raymonds should always have been.

Yes my dear kuntry fellos. The chalenge kuntinews with even more kreyative spellings. Phew, I cannot keep up with the competition. I just wish I could take the sack off the pic to unearth (or unsack) even more marvellous ways English can be used in India.

I went inside thinking I would get a great bargain; instead I smelled something fishy, make that sweaty. Whats there between an ‘a’ and a ‘c’, after all its all pronounced the same. Clock cloak, coke cock. Still havent found a sign saying Cock-a-cola.

Move over Javed Habib, Ponnuchami BSc, BTech in funky hairdos from Annamalai Chennai is here to stay.

This picture was taken near Christ School Bangalore in a ‘lowly’ Barber Shop.

Cross border friendship between India and Pakistan is something we have all been yearning for. I would say in no other field has it been as successful as in the music industry. From Junoon to The Call we have been mesmerized by their style of music which is a delightful blend of Sufi, Qawwali and good old Rock. The music of Awarapan stands as a tribute to their contribution; lets hold our breath here; as ALL the songs are Pakistani originals which are rearranged by our very own Pritam.

First up on the list, we have Toh Phir Aao sung by newcomer Mustafa Zahid. Newcomer is a rather false title to be given to this talented lad, as he is the lead singer of the Pakistani rock band called Roxen. Toh Phir Aao, visits the album in three avatars. The Toh Phir Aao (Original) is a beautiful masterpiece of the band Roxen. Sung magnificently by Mustafa Zahid, he takes us through a ride of high voltage mushy romance with good aid from lyricist Sayeed Quadri. Toh Phir Aao (Lounge Version) bags total credits to Pritam to show what a music arranger can actually do. He takes the same tune and lifts it into a very ambient realm with some amazing synth sounds and accompaniments.

The next song in the album is again by Mustafa Zahid, and this time he comes up with Tera Mera Rishta. In first listen it is a very ordinary kind of tune with some very Chinese instrumentals backing it up. But give it a second or a third and you can sense the singing of Mustafa taking you over. The way he sings the title part of the song itself is worth every second of the song transformed into solid gold. Guys, do try singing this song and you can see why the rendition is especially difficult. Two down and the album is already worth your greens. But wait, we have more.

Playback singers sometimes go rather unappreciated. They need to have more than just a good voice and faultless pitch. This is evident in the song Mahiya which is sung by Suzanne and another version (which is also a DJ Suketu Remix) sung by Annie. Annie is the original artiste of this song and it goes to show how much of infectious charm and energy she has put into it. I personally find most of the Hindi and Tamil songs which has English lyrics interspersed to be rather annoying. But this one is a welcome break, as it is cute. It is strawberry candy cute. It has a very catchy and fast paced tune, with lyrics singing about a girl who’s waiting for her Prince Charming (yes, Emraan Hashmi with a horse’s mane). The lyrics effortlessly move from English to Hindi. Arrangement-wise there is not much difference between the original and the remixed version, but I would go for the remixed version any day so that Annie’s rendition brings a smile to your face.

Maula Maula is a very traditional Qawwali song which has some very bare minimum accompaniments. Its rendered in the usual full throated Qawwali style by Rafaquat Ali Khan. A very situational number, Maula is a break from the power packed track list found in the album till then. Nevertheless it is a must listen for the Qawwali lovers amongst us.

Like all hindi movie albums, this one also has its set of remixed versions. The remix of Toh Phir Aao is easily the best in the pack with DJ Suketu packing in the beats for this otherwise very emotional number. The remix is a decent one, but thanks to the innate energy packed in the original number, this is one song that will be seen moving to the top of the charts soon. The slickly shot promo video for this song which features the band Roxen, Emraan Hashmi and DJ Suketu, ensures that this song will become a rage pretty soon, if not already. The other remix we have in the album is that of Tera Mera Rishta. With some offbeat English vocals, this remix really cannot do justice as a floor burner. It sticks more or less to the original tempo of the song and really cannot drive you to dance. Again, it’s the beauty of the original that holds it on for this particular remix as well.

To summarise it all, Pakistani music is what Himesh’s should have been. The tone, construction and ambience of almost all the Pakistani artistes are remarkably similar. But somewhere in there lies a very pure musical form which never makes us really tired of it. We had Junoon doing it for us in 1998s, Strings in the 2000s and with Awarapan, it definitely looks like Pakistani artistes have established their foothold in Indian Music Industry, and that too for the good of all of us.

There is this movie in Malayalam called Guru. It stars regional superstars Mohanlal and Suresh Gopi in some of their different bests. The movie is a very personal favourite of mine as it shows the problems faced by mankind in a very offbeat kind of visual analogy.

The movie is all about how human beings have lost its inner being to external influences like religion and end up killing each other. They don’t realize the existence of the inner being and refuses to believe in it. This might be a rather complex idea to convey through a movie. But what the movie does is to send the protagonist, Raghu, into a fantasy land where everyone is blind from birth.

Raghu knows the reality, that there is another sense called sight, and that everything around you has a colour and a visual shape that you have to see.

But how will anyone ever get convinced about something which’s existence they are oblivious to from birth. They see Raghu as a threat to their existence but decide to give him a test to prove if he actually has sight. All he has to do is to identify a person in front of him without touching him. Simple you might think, but it wasn’t so; and this is the philosophy from the movie that had the most profound effect.

The man who Raghu has to identify is behind a wall. Raghu being chained to a post has no way of identifying the man, but what is even worse; he cannot explain anyone his failure. What is obstruction of vision to someone who doesn’t know what vision is? How do you explain it to them? Imagine how much sense it would make to you if someone says there are things you cannot see through, when you actually don’t have a clue about what seeing is.

This is not the essence of the movie but forms a very hard hitting part of the movie. The same philosophy can be used for many a subject in our world.

We are sometimes so used to mediocre things in our life that we become oblivious to good taste. Many a money minded businessman takes our lack of good choice to shove things down our throat or through our brain which we might not actually need.

Our lack of a drastic change of perception is taken for granted. We get so used to mediocrity in our daily life, we cannot just tolerate it when someone comes to us and says what you are having is no good. There are better things, it is totally different, it is this! You look at it and you think, its different, but is it better? Your judgement becomes totally controlled by the fact that a change, that too major one in your fundamentals and choices, doesn’t really account to something better.

I have to wash my hands clean before going further with the discussion to say that, opinions are very subjective. What is good or bad is totally upto the person. But what we should not do, is to NOT try seeing the other side of the picture. When you say something is good, just see how it can be bad as well. Whatever outweighs the other will emerge the clear winner.

The above statement is true for all the art forms. I agree, art is very difficult to be judged, because it depends on one’s taste. But mediocrity in art forms are there for everyone to see. When we don’t expect too much, the world takes advantage of it and shoves mediocrity into you through popular art.

Take music for instance, we are treated to the Himesh Reshamiyya for ages now. I know I have gotten tired of his sound. And I know many others have as well. But the people who pay him for his songs think that we will take it. And somewhere, it seems, his music is taken by people. I try to judge his music from the other side. I try my best to like it.

In the end I come up with the conclusion that the music is mediocre, his sound is irritating and overall everything is just so repetitive.

This is just an example. For us to like or not like Himesh’s music is a simple choice. But what when it comes to your making a choice as to what is good or otherwise, on something you have believed to be a part of you for a long time; for such a long time that you really cannot think outside of it. That’s where I feel the real effort should come into play.

Why don’t we open our perception on anything and everything so as to see both sides of it. I am writing this blog thinking that writing down my thoughts help me identify with myself. Lets try to say for sure that it is bad. Writing is bad! I know it sounds drastic and probably is not true. But there can be places where the other side which you have so seldom seen might prove to better in the long run of things.

I didn’t have the novel ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ayn Rand in my head when I started writing this. But once I finished, it seems, that’s all what Ayn Rand had tried to convey through her book. Struggle for believing in something and facing the odds of the world to show that what you take for granted right now need not be the best, there can be better things out there. THERE ARE BETTER THINGS OUT THERE. Why don’t we just open ourselves are try to see everything.

Every single vision have multiple perceptions. Every object can be viewed from an infinite number of angles. Every problem have many different solutions. There is nothing linear in this world, except for maybe the linearity of life. But never is there anything called linearity of choices. Choose, choose different. Choose the unthinkable. You really wouldn’t know where the correct choice might be. Let us break the wall that hides us all from a truth which is out there; a truth which might be blurred or hidden, but a truth that nevertheless, is there.