Its all about spreading the Cheer

If there is one thing that I learnt which can be called as extremely valuable piece of information is this:

“Learning doesn’t necessarily have to be from pundits. You can learn from everyone. You just have to brush your little ego aside and observe and be patient to people; and you see this beautiful little angles developing. You learn new things, you realize new things, you observe new things from sources you considered so below yourself.”

 I thought it was below myself to learn from people, but there have been certain events and certain people who has helped me learn this knack. I have realised that the people that I am most comfortable with and give most respect to are those who are very down to earth in their demeanour. You tend to give in to their humbleness and they (I guess) learns something from you.

 Almost always I have seen people reacting in a positive way to certain things that you do. These are very simple stuff and in no way constitutes an exhaustive list. Let me try and get this out of my jottings for how to keep yourself up and running throughout the day:

 - Wake up and do whatever gets your spirits high. For me its music and I make sure that every morning I listen to my current favourite house or rock that gets me pumped up.

 - Talk to someone who’s ready to hear you out right from day break. I know this is a little too much, but doing this will really set your safety net, knowing that you have this person to fall back into in case anything goes wrong.

 - Smile and smile and smile. Well don’t smile like the Joker in Batman; that just gives a bad pain in the jaw. Smile more of a Mona Lisa smile, corners of your lip kind of a smile.

 - Look into your eyes in the mirror and talk to yourself. Criticize and comment; I know its very creepy at first, like Gollum, then again it works, you know where you are wrong and where you have to stand up for yourself.

 - Talk to people. Talk talk talk! No one will eat you if you talk to them. I know sometimes it can be embarrassing, but don’t let it. Be Above the reactions. But you make sure you act.

 - When talking to people that you know, make sure you call them by name. If your office is not set in feudal times, you can get away without having to call people ‘Sir’ and ‘Madam’. It brings in a real boost to the comfort factor when you call people by name.

 - Compliment people. Compliments work wonders only if they are done straight. It shouldn’t sound very cheesy. Be casual and comment very matter-of-factly; just like you have made an observation.

 - Walk around. If not all the time, at least hourly; it helps you keep your energy levels up, especially if you are a sedentary worker.

 - Make notes. It helps to make notes, professionally and for your own self discovery. You look at it again after a few days and it helps you see yourself from a third person’s view (Visions and Perceptions, see) and be constructively critical about yourself.

 - Never shrug at anyone. Shrugging turns people off, duh. You shrug too much at people and they go into this cocoon in front of you, and you don’t want that; double duh!

Well, I guess this is as much as I can think about right now. I am sure every one of us have their own ways of getting through the day at the right pace and I will be more than pleased to hear any of them. Like I said, this is in no way an exhaustive list and additions are always welcome.

Till then, lets spread the merriment; in true festive spirit, HO HO HO!

Karzzz – Return of Bollywood’s Capped Crusader

Sad is the state of Indian movies which saw Himesh Reshammiya’s Aap Ka Surroorrr – The Moviieeeiie becoming one of the major hits of the year. I knew it from the onset that the near death experience will not be over soon and we will have to face more attempted murders thanks to producers who wants to cash in on the value-for-money proposition that is Himesh.

But I never saw this one coming! More than a near death experience, Himesh will be handing us a pre-death, through-death AND post-death experience with his next movie Karzzz. The movie is apparently the remake of the much less zzz-ed original, Karz. I would say its a good thing that its a movie based on reincarnation. The audience can choose between two endings; a first in the world of movies. Those who cannot tolerate more of Himesh can decide to themselves that Karzzz is just a very neo-realistic movie which says good doesn’t win over evil all the bloody effing time when Himesh dies; or, people who still want to hoot, cat call or nasally twang the hero under the cap can sit, stand or dance through the whole thing.

Also to its credit is its apparently remizzzed title. Karz becomes Karzzz; just like ‘Surroor’ became ‘Surrroooooorrrrrr……rrrr…..rr..’ and ‘movie’ became ‘Moviieeee’ (I am still confused about how this one is actually spelled). I feel the ‘zzz’ factor in the title might show a lot about the movie than the initial promos. I can foresee the reviewers having a field day with its title alone. “Karzzz was like the title indicated; a zzz affair” or “Kar-zzz: The most sleep I had in a movie hall in a long long time”.

Well I dont want to take anything away from this guy either; thanks to some hmmable (the typo is deliberate) tunes, this guy, with his lucky cap always intact, has gone ahead to become a super hit music director, pop musician and the ultimate of Indian fantasies, a superstar on screen. But I for one hope that someone out there lay a spike strip on his road to stardom and bring it to an abrupt but much awaited stop.

The Bollywood Furniture Mart – Acting Skills that Kills

God Bless Hollywood! If some remarkably talented entrepreneurs of yesteryears haven’t decided to use Hollywood as the base for all their movie making dreams, we wouldn’t have had a very uncreatively named Bollywood. Anyways the name has stuck and we carry the legacy forward of naming many of our movies with the same uncreative excellence (cases in point will be Shakalaka Boom Boom, Tara Rum Pum, Good Boy Bad Boy, and many more).

The name Bollywood, through years, have come to showcase that we are more than a B-Grade ripoff of Hollywood; but also true to our name we have got some B-Grade Wood in this jungle. The acting talents of some of our leading lads are so awesomely wooden, that it reminds me of what Terminator would have been if he was frozen for a thousand year and then made into wooden sculpture when humanity is reborn. I try my best to figure out some of the most valuable piece of furniture that we have in this very wooden exhibition.

 

 Exhibit A – Bobby Deol 

The rains in his debut movie Barsaat might have washed away Twinkle Khanna’s makeup, but it failed to make Bobby Deol twitch. This Deol is equivalent to the everlasting plywood; heat, water, sea wave, microwave, brainwave – nothing can deter this Deol from his everlasting pursuit for being wooden beyond Treebeard. Coming to think of it, Peter Jackson could have saved a lot of money if he had used Bobby Deol instead of the half animated, half whatever monster creation for his Lord of the Rings. I dread myself as I type this, but Bobby Deol could actually have brought ‘life’ into Treebeard. Ah the humanity!

Bobby Deol is one actor who almost always have gotten it wrong. If he had played a soldier in any movie other than the one titled Soldier (Abbas Mastan dread alert), his part would have been passé at least. But this particular soldier had to crack jokes and flirt and dance and romance, and; oh, this one is huge, he had to act drunk. Now acting drunk is not that big a deal; any Hindi movie Hero worth the generations before him can do a drunk scene in their sober sleep. But Bobby Deol was notches above being drunk. He acted so drunk that the effect transcended on me and I started feeling a little dizzy. Leaving all that, I seriously believe that Bobby Deol nailed his acting skills (on its head) in his portrayal of Bhagat Singh. In one very emotional scene, I believe I could see his fake moustache shake a little. Now before you start accusing me of blasphemy, this is just my opinion, you can go through the torture of checking it yourself if you don’t believe me; talk about a catch-22 situation.

 

 

Exhibit B  - Upen Patel

This guy is not really bad when hes being interviewed, and that was when I first saw him talking and moving and ‘emoting’. Guess this guy needs some really chilled down atmosphere to bring out his histrionics skill. There are a few things that Bollywood heroes need to survive. First is a good physique. Second, will be good dancing skills. Third is something we are ready to give time for improvement if found lacking; that’s acting skills. Upen Patel has a good body (ok ladies, stop ooh aah-ing). Before I even get into his acting skill, I want to stop by his dancing skills. Now this guy would be beaten in a dance competition by a two legged drunk hippopotamus in knee-deep water. Maybe Upen Patel has too much wood, oops muscles, in his body (girls, once more, please stop that). The guy worked out a lot and hence lost the capability to completely bring down his hands to his body; which is oh-so-essential when it comes to dance in Bollywood.

 

This Patel boy has a dimple, no no its not the cute John Abraham-ish dimple. This one is a chin dimple. If you have the bad luck to catch Upen Patel in a DVD or something to that extent, make sure you zoom in on his face during a scene which requires acting skills. Below is a little guide to deciphering the acting skills of Upen Patel:

Scenario 1 – Chin Dimple is the size of a mini-disc

Emotions portayed – Extreme anger, sadness, astonishment, happiness, loneliness.

Scenario 2 – Chin dimple is the size of a 2Rs (Indian) coin

Emotions portrayed – Loneliness, sadness, astonishment, extreme anger, happiness.

Scenario 3 – Chin dimple is the size of a cellphone numeric key

Emotions portrayed – Happiness, loneliness, astonishment, sadness, extreme anger

Scenario 4 – Chin dimple is the size of; where the hell is the chin dimple

Emotions portrayed – Sadness, extreme anger, astonishment, loneliness, happiness

  

Now now, I can go on and on about the furnitures exhibited in Bollywood; but it requires a lot more time and space. But in pure Bollywood style I declare, the forthcoming attractions hold a lot of promise with:

-          The lead protagonist of a movie shot entirely in slow motion (yes, it was a Really Grave Vision)

-          An actor who could make us laugh when we were supposed to be scared and made us flee theaters with his emotions.

-          The offspring of a jumping jack who rarely jumped himself.

-          And a mixed bag of other artistes who almost made the list, but then again redeemed themselves.

All this and more, in days to come.

Father – Your First SuperHero

My childhood was filled with questions of all kinds. I think most of our childhood is the same. We see something and we want to know what, why and how. We don’t have the patience or the ability to actually go ahead, research things and find answers to what troubles our mind. My Amma (Mom) had once told me while discussing Calvin and Hobbes, that a kid’s brain is mostly used creatively; to create martian landscapes and superhero dens, all in the comfort of your living room. All the logical reasoning and analytical skills (which I still haven’t mastered – thanks to CAT for putting me in perspective) haven’t quite realized its full potential. So at this time you see a postbox and your mind creates this implausible assumption about it working on principles of ducts and vacuum cleaners; atleast I did. So where is that masked superhero who has answers to all our questions? Tada! Suuuuper Dad to the rescue.

 

Dad (‘Acha’ for me) is your wikipedia before internet existed; before encyclopedia existed; hell, before you even started to read. Well, we all came to know as we grew up, that maybe he didn’t have answers to all your questions. He is not exactly what you would call a Super Hero either; but when your curious mind falters at all levels trying to find an answer that will put an end to the alarm of curiosity ringing continuously inside your little head, he comes to the rescue giving answers, even if made up ones.

It is sad to know that, we slowly stop admiring him, after a while we start teasing him for not catching up with the world (“Geez, why do you type so slow?”) and ofcourse, give it some more time and you will start hating him for coming into your personal matters. You will resent his fatherly advice when he tells you about your weaknesses. Be it your maths classes or your romantic relationship, Dad’s words of wisdom becomes a not so keenly awaited one.

 

Even through all this torture, he shows amazing work ethics (if fatherhood can be considered the least rewarding of jobs) by being there for you, when you come back home fighting with the neighborhood kids, or when you flunk your midterms and expect a major whipping from Mom. It is amazing that he completely understands how to react in situations where we are completely helpless to change things. You broke something means you broke something, scolding for lengths and punishing will not really change the laws of time and bring it back; though a little of it will remind you to be extra careful the next time round.

 

Its amazing how Bill Watterson got it perfectly right when depicting the Dad in Calvin and Hobbes. The way situations act out in Calvin and Hobbes seems almost autobiographical to me. He (Dad) gives explanations to all your questions, without saying he doesn’t know. He never really stamp out the creative lantern that is burning bright inside your head. When you grow up, you realize world and forget fantasy. It’s a great thing that Calvin never grew up. Sometimes I wish even I was stuck in an eternal cycle of being a 6 year old. But then again, it’s the losses that we face in life that makes us realize that, well we have lost something. If there is no chance to think and realize what we have lost, we never come to appreciating it in its truest essence. And if life didnt make this cycle of first being a kid to your Dad and then a Dad to your kid, you wont ever probably realise that, even if your Dad wasnt a super hero, he was one hell of a super humanbeing.

 

Dedicated to the most ubercool Dad in this whole wide world: My Dad

Khoya Khoya Sensibilities

After No Smoking (which unfortunately went up in smokes) the next movie I watched First Day was Khoya Khoya Chand. The movie requires an extensive knowledge of the Hindi Movies of yore to be completely understood and appreciated, hence a review is totally off my limits.

But there are few things that struck me, outside of the movie, but still inside the movie hall, which seems to show us this SAD state of affairs. SAD here means Short Attention-span Disorder, and this seems to be what is plaguing the new age Indian moviegoer. I am not saying that I am an intellectual guy and the rest of them in there were morons, but at some point they did seem to act like a baby who didnt get farex on time.

The audience is always the best judge of a movie, because it is for us that the movies are made.  But the audiences these days seem to need this very McDonald-ish fast food kind of treatment from the movies. We seem to enjoy only one brand of movies, and that is the mindless comedies floating around. We need every scene to be a laugh riot. If we dont laugh through a movie we dont enjoy the movie. If we dont enjoy the movie we are not gonna pay for the movie. Its plain and simple principles.

When was the last time a movie which doesnt exactly leave you smiling did well in the box office? Beats me.  To analyse the reasons why our sensibilities have changed is quite beyond me. If we look at the pattern from the movies which has done well, we can see that comedies, mindless or otherwise works. Star power holds atleast the opening. Eklavya was thrashed by most of the critics and was a movie I thought did not do so well in the box office either, but even that movie shows a 10 Crore plus revenue. Movies like Dhol and Dhamaal also earns well past their production cost and is labelled Hit. I watched Dhamaal and tried my best to like it, but the movie succeeded over my earnest of efforts by providing shit after shit after… well shit; what else where you expecting from a movie which has Javed Jaffery in suspenders throughout.

Movies for us have become like Archies Comics; short and funny. Dont give us too much headaches and help us laugh a little, even if it means the lead actors have to catch pizza slices falling from ceiling for like say 10 mins, we are ready to take it. If there are stupid faces,  slapstick buffoonery or anything which has the ‘noble’ intention of being funny, we will pay for it. I dont really mean to say that comedies are bad. There are good ones with the heart at the right place; like Partner. It was a funny movie and a good funny movie at that. Coming from David Dhawan we know this will be mindless one and we get a mindless comedy which makes us feel good inside. Unlike Heyy Babyy in which lead actors make stupid faces and cracks the worst of sexual innuendos which passes off for comedy.

I really wonder if there were any potential classics made in this period and was completely lost thanks to the sensibilities or the lack there of, of the new age Indian moviegoers. I wonder if a Mughal-e-Azam or  even a Sholay was to be released in this period would find any takers. This year was one where there was a lot of experimentation from new age movie makers; a few of which succeeded (Bheja Fry, Johnny Gaddar, Black Friday) and others which failed in the Box Office (Manorama Six feet Under, No Smoking – funny Anurag Kashyap features in both the sides). Even the comeback of Madhuri Dixit with Aaja Nachle couldnt quite dance to the tunes of the Box Office. We as movie goers have become distant from enjoying emotions through movies other than those that tickle the funny bones. With Khoya Khoya Chand, it seems yet another movie with good sensibilities and artistic values is being pimped out to the Indian movie viewers only to bow in front of the cat calls and jeers. In pure Hindi film tradition, I feel like protecting these wonderful movies before they face humiliation in front of the audience by shouting:

“Basanti, in kutton ke samne mat naachna.”

The Art of Lungi Draping – Origami With Clothes

Disclaimer: The author of this is a certified Mallu^® (pet name for residents of Kerala, God’s Own Country). Any retortions made against this article will be retorted back with coconuts.

Origami is a Chinese hobby of folding a square piece of paper in various steps to create different forms like animals or certain abstract art when you go wrong somewhere. Basically its one of the most tedious and least rewarding hobby you can find. You take a square piece of paper, fold it again and again, and you will get a shape and you will in all probability have to label it as a crane or a duck. Trust me, the crane can also be labeled as an Eagle or the very latest of American fighter crafts and we still would say ‘Oh yes… it does resemble a crane (or eagle or jet)’. After all how many of us would want to actually put up paper art in our shelf or mantles.

 

 

Origami though has found a remarkable patronage down south of India. The same principles of origami is used in Kerala (and other parts of South India), for one of the most versatile piece of clothing called Lungi.

The differences between Lungi and Origami are manifold. One of the immediate difference you can see is in the material; when Origami uses paper of predominantly a single color, lungi is made of clothes like silk and cotton which has colors that the regular graphics adapter in our Computers wouldn’t be able to display. (refer picture)

 

 

Another interesting fact about the lungi is its basic simplicity. It is a rectangular piece of cloth with no buttons, zips or stitches. Thus lungi brings out the artist in the wearer and the look that you get with a lungi is primarily the craftsmanship of the wearer and not an expensive tailor. Folklore has it that Gucci and Versace tried desperately to ape the lungi, but the Mallu^® clan never gave away the secrets of the perfect lungi drape.

The lungi, unlike other clothes can be manipulated (or folded) to different forms to suit a marriage function or a street fight. Yes, the same lungi when folded in different ways brings out respect as well as fear. It can be substituted for a well stitched formal trouser as well as a very relaxed boxer shorts for you to laze around.

Kerala is an amazingly hot and humid place. Necessity always being the desperate mother of invention, thus forced the Mallu^®s to find style and solace in a lungi. The basic ventilated system that a lungi provides is ideal for the climatic conditions found in Kerala. Though people from cold climates be warned, wearing a lungi in cold places will be like skiing downhill in your boxers. Nike’s AIR range of footwears uses a rather shoddy copy of the lungis ventilation. That alone should be proof for the superiority the lungi enjoys in comparison with other lesser garments.

The lungi is wrapped around your waist, with a little more taste than when you do the same with your bath towel, in its most basic form. Lift one of the bottom edges of the lungi up to your knees and the lungi magically becomes relaxed formals. This brand of lungi wearing can mostly be found in marriage functions when the lungi wearer adapts to the crowd that surrounds you for better maneuverability.

Lift the lungi from behind just pulling the cloth bit above your knees and the lungi becomes the perfect dress when you have to ride your bike. The way the ends of the lungi flap when you ride away to glory is bound to enthrall the senses of all the fairer sex who maybe watching you in admiration. The different folds of the lungi also ensure in this case that the lungi sticks to you without revealing too much. Ace circus artistes of Cirque du Soleil tried the bike riding stunt by wearing lungi and failed miserably.

 

The most relaxed and commonly found form of lungi is the boxer shorts lungi. In this form, you wear the lungi in its basic form, and then lift its bottom edge upwards and tie a knot with the two corners somewhere around your waist. This will basically halve the length of the lungi, and the lungi itself will take a rather puffed form around your thighs. This is best when you are lazing around in the comfort of your home. (refer picture, also note the Martian colors of the lungi)

 

 

The manifold (many ‘folds’) uses of lungi cannot be summarized in a small article. In fact there exists a Kuttan Ikka Encylopedia (available only in lungiback editions) dedicated to the history of lungi, art forms evolved from lungi and a discussion which actually states that origami is an inferior adaptation of lungi draping because the Chinese of that time haven’t discovered silk yet.

Lungi is thus an oft ignored and criticized art form which doesn’t have many takers outside of Mallu^® land. Lungi bonds with the wearer more than regular dresses where the dress becomes more important than the person. All lungis might look the same, but then again, the artistry of the wearer makes it the classy or relaxed wear it becomes.

  

Saawariya – Poetry @ 24fps

Originally posted in visionsandperceptions.blogspot.com on 11th November, 2007.

I swear all you Sanjay Leela Bhansali haters out there, I went in to watch this movie wanting to hate it. It was a desperate choice as I did not get tickets to Om Shanti Om. Initially I preferred not to watch any movie if the only option available to me was Saawariya. God deals terrible hands sometimes, and then with the same hand you hit royal flush. Well if not a royal flush, Saawariya turned out to be quite a nice hand dealt by the one above (movie projectionist).

I watched Black after hearing a lot of rave reviews about it; the performances, music and what not. I was so disappointed with the movie that I painted my TV white to get the bad taste out of myself. Black was where the magnificence of Sanjay Leela Bhansali was totally uncalled for. Sanjay Leela Bhansali directing Black was more or less like a wedding coordinator handling a funeral ceremony. It was grim and dark and brooding, but it was also fantastical, if for the lighting, the sets, the costumes and the snow that falls from the sky, just like that.

With Saawariya, Sanjay Leela Bhansali does what he did so marvelously with Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam and Devdas, though the latter was a wee bit over the top what with each character mouthing their 1001 definitions of love. Saawariya is a true blue fable, as Gulabji (Rani Mukherjee) needlessly inform us at the onset of the movie. Bhansali takes over the reigns from there and pulls us through this wonderful Neverland (which in its full ’spectacular’ view appears like an oil painting) with characters that are all white; yes, there is nothing called a black or gray in any of his characters. They are all angels sans wings.

Initially, when I read about the movie, I thought I would feel seriously claustrophobic with his flamboyant sets eclipsing out a real world that exists somewhere out there. But Bhansali’s tone of blues and greens are so magnificent, I felt like strangling someone when the door was opened to let the light in as soon as the end credits started rolling. The sets are really breathtaking and have been done with intricate precision as to the swooping curls on the walls or the staccato footpath or even the design on a lamp shade. I wonder why people criticise Sanjay Leela Bhansali of being opulent. If 30 Crores can be put into use for creating this, I really don’t mind. That money in my opinion can be seen in every picture perfect frame of this movie. When the DVD of the movie is out, freeze the frame on Raj’s (Ranbir Kapoor) guitar and you would know why.

All great works of art can seldom be appreciated without a human angle to the whole proceeding. The mega debutantes of the year despite my earnest attempts, conquered my heart. How can your heart not melt when Sakina (Sonam Kapoor) laughs out loud? Or Raj, when he hides hard realities from Zohra Sehgal (I really didnt get her name, it went something like Liliput or Lily Pup) over a phone conversation, his voice is filled with excitement and ticklish joy, but his face and eyes just shouts at us the despair and the frustration inside him at that moment. Rani Mukherjee with the over-the-top sensuality of a street walker is again beautiful, and her eyes are so magnetic that I wish I got stuck to the screen during a closeup. The only creaky wheel in this ride might be Salman Khan. No offence to Salman Khan and his fans or anything, he was good, but I just couldn’t see full-of-life Sakina falling for the kohl-eyed terminator-styled dialogue delivering Imaan. I would have appreciated if Sakina falls head over heels or long strands of hair over even more long strands of hair in love with someone who was a bit more full of life; the least he could have done to justify it maybe to, ahem, smile? Maybe I am asking too much, maybe opposites attract, maybe I just don’t know the world enough.

The music of Saawariya is beautiful in its own self, but Sanjay Leela Bhansali transforms them into visuals so serene and vivacious he just tugs your heart with them. There is a scene in the beautiful ‘Jaan-E-Jaan’ when Raj extends his hand to Sakina. Sakina pulls herself back just as the song drains itself out of color and the frame pulls back to show the distance between the ‘lovers’. The outlandish romantic that I am, I could feel the pining Raj feels inside. The whole movie is like life choreographed to perfection. I never knew jumping across or around or on puddles could ever be made into a romantic jig. Though I must tell you, ‘Jab Se Tere Naina’ with all the flailings of the towel, made me realise why there are neon signs and not any person for Raj’s neighbours. From the cinematic angle its a notch below eroticism, though I cannot really imagine what the neighbour’s angle might have shown.

I dont force anyone on their choice of movies, and for a whole lot of us who have been fed Dhol, Dhamaal and Heyy Babyy for a long time, getting to savour such a movie might be rather difficult, as was apparent with the out-loud proclamations some of the others in the theater had at the end of the movie. But this is one time I wished people would acquire a taste for slow movies rather than at-your face comedy or next-plot-twist-here kind of screenplay. Alas, the humanity.

Oh, there is someone that I want to emphasize on a little more. I had just given her about 5 words in this whole writing, but there is one character who I loved so much I am willing to give my life for her, and that is the absolutely fantastic Zohra Sehgal. She is such a bundle of wrinkled up joy that you just wish you could hug her. In one scene, Raj echoed what was shouting inside my mind from the first time Zohra Sehgal appeared on screen in the movie.
Zohra Sehgal… ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’

Progressive Bangalore

When there are human rights activists in USA shouting equal rights for gays and lesbians, Bangalore seems to have taken the call into its own hands, or, err… flex boards. The picture below is taken from a gully near BTM Layout and shows how we have progressed atleast in matters concerning choice of sexuality. Proclaiming it loud and clear is the Photography cum Marriage Hall decorators of BTM Layout.
PS: I always thought wedding decorators and guys who are too involved in womens fashion (like hair dressers, designers and sometimes photographers) to have a homosexual mannerism. This just puts it up for the world to see, loud and clear.

Gary Kirsten’s ‘infamous’ Diary

I confess: I haven’t been reading newspapers these days and was oblivious to the fact that Gary Kirsten is in contention for being Indian cricket coach. But the way I realised this wasn’t all that great either.

 I just picked up the Times of India and the front page had this article which said Gary Kirsten hated India or something to that extent. By love of the printing presses everywhere, the guy has not even been confirmed for the post (do correct me if I am wrong here), but the media has already started dissecting the psyche of Mr. Kirsten. I mean comeon, give that guy some applause; I for one wish he starts blogging.

 Look at these for a sense of humour:

“To spread cricket to all corners of India, we played in what could politely be classed as one-horse towns, places with more cows on the street than cars.”

Alright, I agree its a little too straight forward. We are speaking about India of 1996 remember. Things weren’t all that great then. I would say we are much better off now. But someone whos coming from SA, which I believe has the best settings for enjoying a cricket match (what with all the lawns, beer and amazing girls), India is really one stop short of a trip to hell. I swear; to go watch a cricket match here means getting heat boils for the rest of the month; and lest I forget, waking up at 6:00 in the morning, standing in the utterly chaotic crowd (ok, of which I am a part of), waiting for two hours for the game to start, and head back home seeing the Indian team lose (again). Maybe I wasn’t very lucky; maybe cricket is just not my game; to watch. We have seen the intolerably toned bodies of Indian cricketers enjoying the waters in West Indies and South Africa. But when was the last time we had seen any foreigners enjoying in India. All we see is them garlanded and thilak-ed the Indian way at their arrival in one of our airports.

 ”There are very few new cars, and most are dented and in bad shape. There’s no point in having a decent car in India because it will get wrecked in no time.”

Oh this one is bang on target. I still have this survey going on which car is the most Bangalore-traffic friendly. My vote is on Honda City as rarely does one find a badly dented Honda City. Most cars which looks atleast half a year old in Bangalore will have atleast one visible dent.

“There are people sleeping on the streets, and acres and acres of slums and shack dwellings.”

 1947. 1977. 1996. 2007. This one has stood the ultimate test of time. Me, being from Bangalore is still surprised at the disconcerting contrast between Koramangala, Forum and what I call Bangalore’s most efficient gully shortcut which is like 5 minutes from Forum. The contrast that can be seen in living amenities makes us think if this one is a blind spot.

 I wouldn’t want to conclude this post as this is just a mere observation. But my two cents for anything, will be an overall lack of responsibility from the side of the media (print and visual). After boycotting Aaj Tak, Star News and Zee news (with Headlines Today closely making it for the English newschannels), what am I supposed to do with newspapers? I cannot cut off pages or columns from it; because on the other side of page 3 I might find a column by Shashi Tharoor.

Bangalore’s Hottest Selling Condom

People who have come here looking for information on how to get condoms round the clock, the answer is Sagar Apollo 24 Hour clinic in Indiranagar. The one opposite Jyoti Nivas college, though it still has a board which says 24 hours, its more like 14 hours. Someone told me they had installed a condom vending machine and it got vandalled. Thats the end of post for condom seekers; the rest of the pleasure seekers (corny) please continue reading.

Before I set out describing the attributes of Bangalore’s hottest selling condom, let me protect my blog first, it needs this condom; and badly.

There, that should keep it safe for my blog. I think it also would have answered the hottest selling condoms part.

The biggest buyers for this condom seems to be Garuda Mall. They have a hundred of these stuck or hung on the huge glass panes of the mall lest some Dick tries to send one through (stone).

I mean, seriously, what does this flag actually signify? You stick it outside your building, which might even be Bangalore’s largest showroom for lingerie and its like an unwritten treaty which says ‘have flag wont flog’.

Before writing this post, I had serious notions if I am upsetting people’s sentiments by writing something like this. If you do have a bruise or two thanks to this post, I ask you to look around Bangalore city. Come Kannada Rajyotsava, come Diwali, come Rajkumar’s birthday these flags sells like hot cakes; or condoms. To ensure that the money they have invested on their building is safe from the fiery red and orange anger of anything non Kannada.

The way this flag is being used in Bangalore is more or morer like a soldier trying to hide under his coutry’s flag fearing a wave of rounds fired at him.

It can be seen everywhere in Bangalore. From outside the IT glasshouses that dot the Bangalore landscape to the posh clubs like Fuga. It is the insurance policy that gives the best for your money, and which also seems to work like a charm. I can almost picture big shots deciding on opening malls discussing how to display the flag outside their building. Should it be hundreds of small ones which will be visible from all around, or should it be one big tribute in the form of a flag post and the flag, which shouts ‘we have a place for you, and you let us be in peace’.

I have a very realistic fear that if at all the Americans decide that, well we have enough of money put into Bangalore, lets buy the whole place, they would come dressed in Orange and Red. And well, comeon, they cant harm us. See they are wearing the outlandish combination of Orange and Red. That means they support us, even though they look like the offspring Mars had with Jupiter during one of their Jamaica nights of passion.

I dont know if many people read my blog, but I do know that not many people read my blog. If at all you happen to come across this blog and feel that I have insulted you in more ways than one, accept this apology. If that doesn’t work and you are still pissed, heres the rubber; again, just to ‘rub’ it in.